Letting Go of Guilt

I think I am finally learning to let go of guilt and feeling like I somehow have to make everyone around me happy and that it's OK to be happy when others are not.

It's taken a long time for me to see that there really is no way to make others happy.  Yes, you can treat them with respect and really listen to them and do things for them, but deep down if someone is not happy, there is not a thing you can really do that will make them happy.  You can stand beside them and let them know you are there and you love them no matter how they feel, but sadly, no one can really make someone else happy or make them feel lovable if they do not feel that way.


It's been difficult for me to understand that I don't have to feel sad and depressed even when things are not going well around me, even when the world seems like such an ugly place.  I am beginning to learn that I can empathize with those around me without feeling I have to carry their pain so heavily on my own shoulders. Their pain is theirs to deal with, not mine.  I can offer lover support and understanding, but I cannot carry their load fully for them.  Also,there is nothing wrong with staying positive when things are not going well and I don't have to feel like it's the end of the world every time something bad happens to anyone anywhere in the world.  The world is not perfect, terrible things are going to happen, tragedies befall us all, we have to learn how to deal with them and carry on with our lives the best we can. 

It's also taken a long time to see that I don't have to feel guilty for how I see the world or for how I live my life.  I really don't have to answer to others for my choices.  While I am responsible to others for how I treat them, no one has walked in my shoes or completely seen my view point, where I've been, what I've seen or what I've experienced.  Just as I don't know exactly what anyone else has fully experienced, no one knows 100% what I've experienced.  I have to be true to myself and to what my heart tells me is right.  I have to follow my own path with the intention of not intentionally causing harm to another and if someone else wants to judge me for my choices, it is their right and their issue to deal with, not mine.  I have to focus on what my own intentions are and not worry so much about what others are up to.

I've spent a life time of doing what everyone else told me was right and listening to hours of how things should be from someone else's perspective.  I've heard how I've failed or done things in ways others wouldn't.  I've wasted years believing what others have told me about who I am or who I should be instead of seeing what really lies within me and honoring that. 

We all know their are so many in the world who are so willing and eager to tell us who we are or who we should be and how we have to act and why we have to act that way.  I understand they do this out of concern and with a feeling that they are only helping us, but most of the time they don't listen to their own advice or have a clue how to really be in the world themselves. 

If we all would spend more time examining our own intentions, looking more deeply at ourselves and how our world is going around us and spent less time trying to teach everyone else about how they should be and what they should do or what they should believe, perhaps the world be a better place

Blinders Off

I've learned that throughout our lifetimes many people will come and go.  Sometimes you encounter people briefly and other times they become a daily part of our lives.  Each person, each encounter can have a lasting impact on our lives.  That smile or encouraging word from a complete stranger can be as powerful as that loving loyal friend who has lended us their ear for years. 

Sometimes we are so caught up in what we are dealing with ourselves that we forget to reach out to others and connect with them in a genuine caring manner.  We can trudge through our day wrapped up in our own pain, worries and suffering and forget to look around us and reach out to others who may need a friendly smile or just some eye contact and acknowledgement that they are seen as a person.

I know that I have been guilty of avoiding connecting with others, of floating through my day avoiding contact like I'm a ghost floating through my own life.  Maybe putting the blinders on when I go out is a way to protect myself, maybe those blinders keep me from getting too involved in the world around me or they keep me from opening myself up to rejection, I am sure there are many reasons behind this behavior.

It's easy when we've experienced what we perceived as judgment, rejection or abandonment in relationships to understand why we would not want to reach out to others in anyway, but perhaps if we look at those situations deeply, we will see important lessons we've learned from what we've experienced.  Perhaps we can see that even though someone left our life on not such great terms or reacted to us in a manner that was not very kind, having them in our life effected us in important ways. 

Without failed relationships and difficult experiences we wouldn't have the opportunity to look deeply at ourselves and learn and grow.  Maybe in trying to protect ourselves by avoiding reaching out to others we are actually harming ourselves and keeping ourselves stuck.  Perhaps our fear of getting hurt is what is actually hurting us.

Maybe letting go of fear and reaching out to others where ever we are is important to healing and growth.  I do know form personal experience that when I reach out to others, whether its through a deep conversation or simple smile and nod, I feel better.  I also know that having someone reach out to me in some way whether it  is through just a simple smile, a quick email or a deep conversation, I feel better.  Maybe the key is setting aside our fear, taking our blinders off, looking at each person, each point of contact as an opportunity to learn and grow in some way, no matter what reaction we receive and reaching out to others with confidence.

Self Identification

I haven't been on this blog for awhile now, the interesting thing is when I came back to look at it I could not remember my identity or password.  Eventually after searching my memories and a few failed attempts, I found my identity and made my way back in. I was struck by how this sort of parallels my life.

I was living my life, traveling along forming who I was based on the world around me.  I worked to build myself and my life based on what I had learned while growing up through people, beliefs and situations that taught me who I was. I had learned  that I needed to look a certain way, speak a certain way and believe certain beliefs.   I thought I knew who I was, what I believed and what my purpose was in life.

Then I became sick and much of what I based my self image on disappeared.  My life  was changed completely. I now had difficulty keeping up my physical appearance, my brain had difficulty focusing and processing information so I could no longer speak a certain way and some of the beliefs I'd been taught my whole life began to not make much sense to me.  I felt I had no purpose in the world.  Basically my whole world was tipped upside down and I seemed to completely loose myself and everything that made me me.

Eventually after being sick for a few years I began to slowly realize that none of the stuff on the outside, the stuff that I'd used to form myself for my entire life, really mattered.  I realized that I needed to look deeply within myself to see who I  really am and bring that out into the world.

Before I could begin to even catch a glimpse of who I really am I had to remove a lot of crap from my mind.  Years of feeling worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable had to be pulled away layer by layer.  I had to take a really hard, honest look at myself and acknowledge some things that were not so great, the things that caused me to feel worthless, useless and ugly and I had to look at those things without judging them.  Once I was able to see those things without judgment, I had to learn that it was OK to set them aside and look deeper.

Gradually I began to see that underneath all of those layers of muck, was a tiny spark of beauty that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time.  I had to learn to stop focusing on the ugliness I felt and to focus instead on that tiny spark of beauty.  I began try to nurture that spark so that it might grow and spread throughout all of me instead of being hidden deep inside.

I still have a ways to go.  The old patterns of self hate are difficult to break, letting go of old thoughts, old memories and old systems of belief is not easy.  I am finding that it takes a lot of time, energy, persistence and patience with myself and those around me. I've  learned that I need to ask for help and surround myself with those who can see me clearly and offer me love and support.  I have had to come to the understanding that I am beautiful and worthy of love and that in order to be able to truly love others, I have to learn to fully love and accept myself.

I am hopeful that someday the real me will shine through all of the time without any effort and the beauty and love that is within me will spill out in to the world into those around me and  I will help them to see the love and beauty within themselves.

Throwing In the Towel

I haven't had much to say lately. I find myself feeling more and more like stepping back and doing less talking and more listening. Not sure what that means, but it makes it kind of hard to write a blog.

What came to my mind as I came to this site to check in on my "stuff" was that change can be really frustrating. I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, but complete unexpected, full out changes tend to be much more difficult to navigate. I came on here today to simply read what I had written last to see where my mind and heart had been the last time I posted and I find that nothing is the same. I can't seem to navigate anywhere and it is difficult to even find what I've written. Talk about confusing!

This is frustrating, especially since I had no apparent say or input into whether the change would work well or was a good idea. But the change has occurred and I can either flow along with it learning the new system or I can decide to no longer take part on this particular site.

 It seems like life is kind of that way. We learn how to go with the flow and take the little twists and turns and bumps and bruises that come along, but when we get hit with an all out complete change of everything familiar, that is a whole new process. It's like starting from ground one and learning how things work all over again. We can try to cling to how things used to be, but those things are no longer in place and if we cling to them, we go no where fast. I guess the way I've learned to look at these complete changes is this: In the beginning I started out at ground one and learned and grew and got to where I was, I did it once and I can do it again. It's either that or completely throw in the towel and that doesn't seem like a very feasible option.

 Besides I've tried to throw in the towel a few times and it always seemed to get thrown back at me as if to say...nice try, but you aren't done yet.

Dancing Shoes

Sometimes I think the best way to go through life is to just stop all of the analyzing, searching and seeking, put on your dancing shoes and dance.
Of course you have to pay attention to where you are dancing and who you are dancing with and make sure you don't step on too many toes.
But if there's music in your heart and rhythm in your feet things should glide along a little easier, right?

Puddle Dancing

We all know that there will be bright sunny days as well as dark cloudy days in our lives. Deep down we understand that we need both, but those cloudy, rainy days can some times get us down. It seems we need to learn to appreciate both the sunshine and the rain.

It feels important to remind ourselves that cloudy days serve a purpose and are not bad, they just are sometimes dark and difficult to get through.

Aside from looking at the positive side of a cloudy day (good day for a nap, the rain waters our plants, the darkness helps us appreciate the light)what can we do? One thing we can do is to make sure to really soak up and enjoy every moment of our sunny days. That way when we are in the middle of cloudiness, can pull up those sunshiny memories and fill our minds with those instead of focusing on the clouds. We can use those memories to remind ourselves that while life seems dark right now, sunshine could be just around the corner.

We may even try learning to look at cloudy days, instead as a time of darkness, as a time of replenishing or maybe even a time of cleansing. Think of the rain falling or the tears we may cry during dark times as cleansing water that is washing away the debris and replenishing dry areas. Without water things tend to get dust covered and shriveled up.

Perhaps we can even begin to find a little joy in the cloudy days and see that through the darkness comes new life. Sometimes in the darkness a whole new world seems to be formed.

Instead of dreading the dark days we could try to learn to flow through them, appreciating them and thinking of brighter days ahead. Maybe we can even learn to dance a little in the puddles that form around us or sing a little tune to brighten things up.

They say into all lives a little rain must fall.
It seems it's up to us whether we want to get stuck in the mud and sink or keep moving and dance through the puddles.

View Points

We can encounter difficulties in our life when we can only see things from one point of view or feel that one point of view is the only one that is important. Everyone has a point of view. We all look at the world and every situation from different angles, through different filters of our own experiences. 10 people can witness one situation and all 10 people can have a differing perception of what has occurred because they are all coming from a different point of view. All of the view points are valid, all of them are important and if we want to form a more clear picture, form a more clear understanding, we need to be opened to the idea that it is not only our view point that is important, valid or "right".

Letting go of the idea that there is one "right" way of looking at things can be difficult, but it can also help us to expand and grow and when we expand and grow or perspectives may change. We may also find our self letting go of perceptions that we once held as truths. As we let go of those "truths" things in our world may begin to shift.

For example. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2004. All of the research I have done from the modern medical view point about this condition paints a rather grim picture. There are very few real treatments, I will suffer a lot of pain, may become debilitated and my life will never be the same. New treatments are being researched as more scientists become interested and look into this condition, but my body is severely sensitive to medications, so most of the new treatments are not options I can use. Basically if I go from the view point and perception that I have this condition and it can not be treated, I will suffer much pain.

But, if I understand that there may be treatments and natural ways to use my body's own healing abilities, perhaps the perception, the "truth" that I will suffer and never lead a normal life, do not have to be accepted as fact. Perhaps by looking at this from a different view other than just what modern medicine is currently offering, I can find some relief from my symptoms.

Many people may not agree with this thinking, but I have seen from my own experience that looking at things from differing view points can lead to whole new understandings of situations and it can even bring about healing if we are willing to let go of our own perceptions. I do not claim to be "healed" yet, but I am opened to the idea that if I keep my mind opened, stop clinging to only one view point and follow my heart, perhaps someday I will be.

Looking for Company

They say misery loves company. I've seen this in many situations, especially since I have had many bouts of being miserable. What I've noticed is that when we are content with being miserable we tend to seek out those who will join us in our misery and get down and wallow in it with us. If we are content being miserable, we love to share our stories of misery and sometimes get angry if people try to cheer us up, cheer us on or offer a point of view that isn't all steeped in misery.

I was stuck in misery for a long time after my first marriage ended, I was an expert wallower and subconsciously attracted many miserable people and I seemed to attempt to drag others who were not miserable down into the pits of misery with me. I was looking for some company for my misery.

Fortunately for my friends and loved ones, and myself, my contentment with misery ended and I began to seek new ways of being in the world. I stopped focusing on my misery and stopped looking for someone else to pull me out of it and began to focus on pulling myself up in whatever way I could. I stopped looking outside of myself for what was wrong and began to look within. I stopped trying to change everyone else and began to focus on myself and what I could do to improve myself and the way I coped with the world.

Gradually with a lot of help from very loving, patient friends, family members and several professionals, I began to see who I could be when I wasn't stuck in my suffering and misery. As I began to see a new vision of myself, I gradually began to become a different version of myself, one who was more loving, accepting and compassionate to others and to myself. As that happened I became less miserable.

As I became less miserable, something interesting happened, those who were also content being miserable became angry towards me. Sometimes they simply dropped away and sometimes they openly attacked me before leaving. For the longest time I found this very upsetting and wondered what I had done wrong and how my "friends" could turn from me in such a manner. What I slowly realized was they did not want to be around me if I were not miserable. Many of my friends who had shared my misery and raged about how the world should treat everyone fairly and accept everyone for who they were and love everyone unconditionally were now not able to accept me unconditionally.

If I expressed a view point that wasn't in line with what they thought or felt, they thought I was judging them in some way or thought that I thought I was better than them. Some thought I was just sticking my head in the sand and playing "Mary Sunshine" with them. They seemed to forget the lowly image I have of myself, the struggles and deep misery I'd gone through myself. They seemed to have no interest in stopping and asking how my view point had changed and how I'd pulled myself out of my misery. Instead of seeking to join me, some seemed to want to drag me back down. I have had to learn to be very careful to not let that happen.

I am a very persistent, sympathetic friend, I can get down in the dark mud and wallow in misery with the best of them, but I don't want to stay stuck in that mucky mud wallowing there forever, so I have to know my boundaries.

It feels very important for us all to have great compassion for those who are stuck in misery, but that doesn't mean we have to join them and stay stuck with them. We all have choices and we shouldn't judge the choices that we make, if someone stays stuck that is their choice, if we want to move on, that is our choice, both choices serve some purpose and we shouldn't place judgment on them. This has been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.

Don't Forget Yourself

Sometimes I think we take life way to seriously and forget that it's OK, even good to find some joy along the way. We forget to take time to stop and relax and really take a look around us at the beauty of the world. We get so busy taking care of others and being concerned about others that we forget to take care of ourselves.

It seems important to remember that part of being of service to others is remembering to take care of ourselves. How can we help others if we wear ourselves down and have nothing left to give?

Stop right now and ask yourself, what did I do to take care of myself today? Did I eat right? Did I drink enough water? Did I get some exercise? Do I get enough sleep? Did I do something that gives me joy?

Taking care of yourself is not being selfish, unless of course you only ever focus on your own needs and no one else's, but if that were the case, I doubt you would be reading my words.

The next time you are making out your to do list for the day, don't forget to put, take care of myself at the top so you don't forget and don't scratch it off until the end of the day when you are sure that you really have taken care of yourself. That's not an order, just a suggestion from someone who often forgets to take care of herself and needs a lot of reminders too!

Responsibility

Responsibility seems like such a heavy word. As a young child our lives are pretty responsibility free. The only thing we really "have" to do is eat. Someone takes care of everything for us, even providing the food, we are simply here to learn and grow and take in information.

But it seems with learning, growth and age comes responsibility. Gradually as we gain knowledge of how to function in a body we are expected to take more responsibility for it. We are expected to use our hands to hold our own bottle, to learn to use our legs to crawl then walk, to use our voice to speak and to go potty in the potty. We slowly learn how to control our body and use it to take responsibility for ourselves. Normally we find each new responsibility exciting and fun. We are pretty happy and care free as long as we have food, shelter and love.

As we get older though, we are also expected to learn how to function and fit into society. Our parents or caregivers are responsible for teaching us what is acceptable, they teach us what is right and what is wrong. Our carefree days are beginning to draw to a close it seems.

Suddenly we are no longer expected to just be happy, we are expected to pay attention to others and see if they are happy, we are learning to observe what kind of response our actions receive and if they are right or wrong by societies standards. Something that fits in to the norm of right behavior often receives praise and happy responses. Something that is not acceptable often receives admonishments and stern responses. We learn if I do this, the response will be this, if I do that, the response will be that. We learn to observe and care about others.

Eventually we become responsible adults who are aware of those around us and can observe how our actions are received and accepted. We are aware of what effect we have on our surroundings. We understand that we are responsible for ourselves and our actions.

But who else are we responsible for and to what extent? Are we only responsible for ourselves or are we responsible for those around us?

As a grown child we are responsible for loving and respecting our parents, but we learn to understand that we are now responsible for our own selves and our own actions and choices, we can no longer hold our parents responsible for what we choose to do. As and adult we are no longer fully connected to them or under their "control" we are responsible for ourselves.

As a spouse or partner we are responsible for nurturing our relationship with another person, we become one with another while maintaining our own self within the union. If we want our relationship to flourish we have to put time and effort into it, we can't just do our own thing all of the time or the relationship will not be sustained. We have to be aware of how our actions impact those we are in a relationship with. We become accountable to our partner, but we are only responsible for ourselves, we really have no control over anyone elses actions or responses.

As a parent we understand that we've brought a helpless, innocent being into the world who we need to love, care for and guide. We are responsible for teaching them how to use their bodies and control themselves, our ultimate goal as a parent is to teach them to be responsible for themselves and considerate of others. It seems we are meant to love and guide them while seeing that they do not belong to us. We learn the importance of providing guidance and teaching them to be responsible as well as the importance of letting them go so that they can be their own person.

It seems we often become confused and think that we are somehow responsible for others. We have difficulty understanding that we can't make others happy, that we can't force others to see our point of view, that we can't do the work others are meant to do. We also can tend to forget that others are not responsible for making us happy, that everyone has their own point of view and that we all have our own "work" to do in this world. We are all connected and need to be considerate of each other, but we are only responsible for our self and our own actions or lack of actions in any situation.

It seems it is very important to focus on ourselves and what WE are doing rather than focusing on others and trying to take responsibility for them or expecting them take responsibility for us.

Perhaps if we let go of the idea of being responsible for everyone else and we take care of our own responsibilities, our lives will become somewhat carefree again?

Look Before You Leap

Being willing to let go of our tight grasp on our map and go with the flow does not mean that we put on a blind fold and leap. Using our senses to look, listen and feel are part of what keeps us from falling off the road. It doesn't seem to me that we are meant to leap without looking.

Our map is a tool that we've been given to help us understand where we want to go and how we can get there. It is not our only tool, we have many tools to use to help us find the safest, most direct or most scenic route. Our map as well as our senses, both physical and intuitive, and those who offer us directions are tools too.

Sometimes the trip is scary and we want to just shut off our senses, we don't want to see or hear about any of the bad accidents or know about the big bend in the road up ahead. We might even want to just sit back and have someone else drive us down the road. There is nothing wrong with having someone help guide us in our driving, but it seems we are meant to drive ourselves and not sit back waiting for others to do all the work of getting us to our destination.

Putting blinders on and not taking responsibility for our trip might lead to us falling completely off of the road that we are meant to be on. After all, the route someone else might take could be perfect for them, but is it perfect for us? Is it the route everyone needs to or has to take?

It seems if we want to get to where we feel we are intended to be, we need to take off our blind folds, look before we leap and take a hold of the wheel. Going with the flow does not mean blindly and helplessly floating along, it seems to mean determining where we intend to go, looking at our map and then relaxing and using our tools to make the journey. Our tools include our own vision, intuition and understandings as well as the guidance and direction offered by others who may have been headed to the same destination we would like to get to.

Letting go of the idea that we have to have complete control and have to follow a specific route on the map does not mean blindly leaping, it means looking before we leap, but being opened to leaping even when we know the path may not be completely clear to us or what we had envisioned.

We may not reach our destination without some bumps in the road or detours along the way. The route we thought would be the most direct and easiest to use might not be the one we end up on, but if we are paying attention and opened to going with the flow, we will get where we are meant to go and if we are relaxed about it all, we may even enjoy the trip.

Losing the Map

I used to be an organizer, a planner, someone who had to have things all mapped out so I could see where I was going and what was to be expected along the way.

I suppose for me this tendency to be a planner and this need to "know" what all of the steps were and how things would unfold came from having been through a tornado at the age of two and having my dad suddenly pass away when I was only four. I guess I needed and craved the stability and control having things all planned out seemed to offer. I didn't want any surprises along the way or unexpected things popping up, so I learned to plan and analyze situations from many angles.

There's nothing wrong with that, but I learned the hard way that no matter how we organize, plan and map, no matter what angle we look at things, things happen in ways we could not imagine or foresee. If we are stuck on following our plan and clinging to our map, hitting an unforeseen bump in the road or coming upon a detour can be an earth shattering experience. Having someone expect us to set our map aside and just go with the flow can seem ridiculously unsafe and frightening.

What happened to help me let go and learn to go with the flow? Life happened with all it's messy twists and turns. As each totally unexpected thing happened I seemed to lose a little bit of myself. I was falling apart and frantic. I saw that nothing could be controlled or counted on, our world is constantly changing, things don't always fit into our plan, stuff happens that we have no control over and we have to either go with the flow or get sucked under and drown.

My experience nearly took me down, but eventually I learned to let go of my big expectations of how things should be and how they should go and I started to open up more to just going with whatever happened. This didn't mean giving up completely on planning, it meant that I came to the understanding that I can make a plan, but I have to be flexible and go with whatever happens along the way that does not go with my plan. I have to be opened to the idea that there are many different options, paths and views on this road we call life. We might have a map of where we want to go, but there could be detours, road blocks and alternate routes along our path.

The interesting thing is that once I learned to let go of my map and go with the flow, I started having new and exciting experiences. I started seeing things from different view points and opened up to new ideas and ways of looking at things. I also opened up more to people and began to see that there is not one single "right" path or way of looking at things or doing things. I learned that my plans did not have to be set in stone and there would be many choices to make as I lived my life.

Most importantly I began to relax, stop being so anxious about what was going to happen and let go of worrying if I'd taken the right road or not. I realized that I didn't have to be in control of everything to be "safe" and I could make it through whatever came along much easier if I relaxed. I actually began to enjoy life more, I felt less stress, more joy and more freedom. Eventually I began to become healthier because my body was no longer in a constant state of stress and worry about how things were going to go.

I came to the understanding that sometimes the most important thing we can do in life is not to plan and map things out, but to simply show up and be present on the journey.

Withdrawal

I've noticed that when things get tough I have a tendency to want to retreat and withdraw from the world.

Sometimes we really need to step back, take a deep breath and regroup so that we can quiet our minds and focus, but if we retreat for too long or try to withdraw completely, this can cause problems.

When we shut ourselves off from everyone it is easy to sort of fall into a pit. Without input from others our thoughts may become off balanced and very clouded. If we withdraw because we are tense, our tension may only build causing all kinds of problems mentally and physically.

We seem to need others to help keep us balanced by offering differing views to us. Being in relationship with others can also provide a tension release valve by allowing us to express ourselves. Having someone who will really listen to us can be very important and beneficial to us. Being in relationships with others can help keep us balanced and healthy.

Of course, the relationship itself needs to be balanced, we can't constantly dump all of our stuff on someone and not listen to them or offer support for them. We also can't always be the dumping station for others, we need and deserve a relief valve where we can relieve our tension by dumping stuff too.

It seems when the pressure of the world gets to be too much, retreating and take a few steps back is a wise choice, but stepping too far back and totally withdrawing can be detrimental to our mental health and well being.

Even solitary, introverts need outside contact and relationships to help keep them healthy.

What's In A Word?

I was just reviewing some of my old writings and questioning my use of the word illness. Perhaps instead of the word illness when writing I should use the word disease.

The thoughts and feelings I felt by my own use of the word illness caused me to look up the words illness and disease.

The definition for illness is:
wickedness, unpleasantness, an unhealthy condition of the body or mind.
The definition for disease is:
a condition of the living animal or plant body or one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms.

Think about this, if we say that we are ill, we are in a sense saying that we are wicked and unpleasant, that our body and mind are in an unhealthy condition. We may feel unhealthy and unpleasant, but we don't want to label ourselves in that way and form ourselves around that thought do we? How did having a physical symptom of some kind become related to being wicked?

When we use the word illness we refer to ourselves as being ill, but when we use the word disease we do not refer to ourselves as the disease do we? How interesting is that.

The word illness seems to focus on our actual body as somehow flawed.
The word disease seems to focus more on the function of our body being impaired.

What if what we experience in our body is not illness/wickedness, but instead disease/impairment of function. Our body is in a state of dis-ease because for some reason our "normal" functioning has been impaired in some way.

Perhaps this can even apply to the condition of our world. Our world is feeling a lot of pain and suffering because it is in a state of dis-ease; the way it was intended to function is somehow being impaired.

What do we need to do to find our source of impairment and relieve our dis-ease bringing us back into a state of comfort,ease and normal functioning?

Could it be that we need to take a close look at the distinguishing signs and symptoms of each situation and compare them all to see where the root cause of the impairment or malfunction lies so that we can regain proper function?

Is it possible that there is a common thread running through all cases of disease with our bodies and the world, we just have to look closely enough and make comparisons to find them? What was added or is missing that is creating the impairments and malfunctions?

Isn't it interesting how just studying the use of one word can cause us to focus on so many details and form many questions? After all, it's just a word, a label that we use to describe someone or something. Does it really matter if we say illness or disease or does it matter more that we focus on finding the root cause of the condition. I wonder...

No Doubt About It

Old habits are hard to break, but if we are persistent we can break them and replace them with new behaviors. At least that is what we are told, but if we are stuck in negativity and fear, we might doubt it and that makes it very difficult to change anything.

Finding a way to stop the endless stream of self talk that tells us we are unworthy, useless, unqualified, stupid, lazy, crazy, unlovable,(the list could be endless) is not always easy. First of all we may be stuck in doubt, which tells us nothing can work, which causes us to not even try, which basically gets us no where which creates a whole bunch of more negative thoughts. OR we may be stuck in fear, which tells us change is bad and no one can be trusted and life is ugly and unfair and horrible and cruel and no one understand us and everyone will judge us so we should hide and be afraid to really live.

It might not be easy, but the first step out of negativity is to want to stop being negative and filled with doubt and fear. We may be so used to being that way we can't even imagine life any other way or we may be afraid of life any other way. But if we take that step and decide to try something different it can lead to a much happier way of living and a more peaceful life.

The trick is to retrain our minds, to catch ourselves when we think negative thoughts and refocus on something else. We can't beat ourselves up about the thoughts, but be aware of them and observe them and then set them aside and replace them with something else. Let go of your fear and doubt and give it a try for a few days.

Instead of focusing on all that is wrong with things in your world or yourself or others, focus on what is right. Whether you believe it or not, there is something right about everything. For instance, that crabby neighbor you have to deal with may be a pain in the butt, but they are teaching you to be patient and kind even when someone is being rude. What a great lesson...thank you crabby neighbor. That husband that threw his dirty socks all over the place was teaching you your house doesn't have to be spotless. What a great lesson...thank you sloppy husband. That broken ankle made you slow down and take the time to really look at your life and yourself for several weeks, it showed you the importance of receiving help from others. What a great lesson...thank you broken ankle.

We have to want to look for the positive, we have to learn to look for the positive, we have to let go of fear and be persistent and not give up. Yes we will stumble, yes we will have days where we feel there is nothing positive about anything. No one expects us to pretend everything is perfect and slap a happy smile on our face all the time, that would just be hiding behind a mask of fake sunshine, but if we never look for the positives, we'll never see them.

Of course, we don't really HAVE to do any of this. We can stay exactly as we are. That is our choice. No doubt about it, we always have choices.

Self Created Suffering?

I often wonder how much of our suffering is simply created by our own fear. Do we sometimes in a sense choose our own suffering? Are our thoughts and actions keeping us stuck in a place of suffering? What are we gaining from constantly worrying, being fearful or being in pain? Do we think suffering somehow serves us or others? Are we in a sense creating our own little drama filled with suffering and pain?

I've heard the saying pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. What does that really mean? From my understanding that means that we will encounter many difficult, even painful situations on this journey we call life. It's what we do with those situations and the feelings associated with them that determines weather we suffer or how long we suffer.

Do we seek to hang on to the pain reliving it over and over again, or do we seek to find ways to experience it and then let it go?

Do we sometimes actually create pain and suffering that really isn't necessary at all by creating little scenarios or dramas in our mind about how things could be or should be or used to be? How much of what we are experiencing is really ocurring and how much of it is just created by thoughts of what could be or memories of what has been?

It seems that many times we create our own painful situations through our fear of what could happen or a memory of what has happened. We sometimes project our own fears onto others and inject that fear into situations where no fear needs to enter in.

Let's say you had a terrible accident while riding a horse as a child. Now every horse you see feels like a danger to you. You don't want to go near horses. You are projecting your fear of that one horse on to all other horses. Now let's say you have a child and your child grows up and wants to ride a horse, you can't let your child ride that horse because when you rode that one horse you nearly died. You are stuck in that memory and are projecting that situation onto the current situation. Your fear is running you. Now let's say your child is old enough to make their own choices and they decide to ride the horse. You become so worried that you become physically ill, you are sure that something bad will happen because when you rode that one horse, you almost died. They may ride the horse and do fine, but each time they ride you are irrationally fearful. You are creating drama that doesn't exist. Yes, the horse could be a danger, yes your child could get hurt, but there is also a chance your child will never be hurt while riding a horse. You are stuck holding on to that old situation and projecting it into any other situation that you encounter where there is a horse involved.

How do we stop creating our own suffering? It seems the key is to remind our self that that was then and this is NOW. What happened to you once does not have to happen again, it does not have to happen to others, may never happen to others and is not some sort of pattern for everything that will happen to you and everyone else.

The other key seems to be in facing the feelings of situations head on and then releasing them so that we are not stuck reliving them over and over again every time something reminds us of the past. Don't be afraid of those feelings and hide from them, but allow ourselves to experience them fully and work through them so that we can see that life does indeed go on and bad situations don't have to be repeated over and over again.

It's as if we need to fully embrace what hurts us so deeply or causes us great fear and suffering so that we can then fully let it go and stop letting the fear and suffering run our lives. Clinging to our fear and our suffering really serves no purpose other than to hold us back from living the full and happy lives we deserve.

Wounded?

Could it be that we've been hurt in some way a long our path and instead of learning a lesson from what has happened we have hung on to the hurt and this is what has caused what appears as a wound to us. Perhaps underneath what appears to be a wound we are still healthy, whole, and beautiful. What if healing is just a matter of letting go of the hurt and remembering what it feels like to be whole. What if the way to heal our "wounds" is to stop seeing ourselves as wounded?

Perhaps we are not wounded ones with broken wings at all, but we are forgetful ones who have forgotten that letting go of our hurts will heal our "wounds" and return us to a state of wholeness. Wouldn't that be interesting?

Make the "time".

From what I've learned one of the most important things we will do in our life is to form relationships with others. Each and every person we come into contact with in our life is a chance to form a relationship, whether it be as brief as a 10 second smile or as long as a 40 year friendship does not matter. What matters is we put ourselves out there and connect in a loving, caring, respectful, trusting manner and that shows an interest in someone else as a living breathing being that deserves recognition of some kind.

We sometimes get so busy in our worlds we forgot to stop and connect with those around us. We may think we don't have enough time to reach out or we may be too preoccupied with our own selves to reach out, but it only takes a few seconds to share a smile. A few minutes to send an email saying, "thinking of you". It takes more time to purchase a card and send it and even more time to make a card and send it. Of course, we don't always have time to make phone calls or write long detailed filled messages to people, but think of the times a brief line at just the right time or a smile from a stranger changed your entire outlook on the day.

Imagine the importance your smile may have to a complete stranger. What comes to my mind is a time when I was going to attend a retreat. I am normally very shy and uncomfortable in new situations and with being among people I have never met in person. As I walked into the room of strangers, late no less, I was greeted by one women with a huge friendly smile of welcome. Immediately I relaxed and knew I would be OK. Her one smile changed my outlook and whole experience. That woman and her smile remain etched in my heart and mind and every time I am in a group experience or out in public. I think of how much that one gesture meant to me and I pass that gesture forward by trying to give a smile to everyone that I meet.

Of course, I am human and I have good days and bad days and sometimes I am too hurried to acknowledge those around me, even those I love the most. But, now I am aware enough to know how important relationships are, so I try to pay attention and make the time to reach out as often as possible to everyone I meet. I also take the time and make more of an effort to tend to and nourish the very close relationships that I have so that those who are special to me, know they are truly special not just to me, but to the world. It really doesn't take that long and nothing in this world will have a more lasting effect or impact on the world than the relationships I've formed.