I haven't been on this blog for awhile now, the interesting thing is when I came back to look at it I could not remember my identity or password. Eventually after searching my memories and a few failed attempts, I found my identity and made my way back in. I was struck by how this sort of parallels my life.
I was living my life, traveling along forming who I was based on the world around me. I worked to build myself and my life based on what I had learned while growing up through people, beliefs and situations that taught me who I was. I had learned that I needed to look a certain way, speak a certain way and believe certain beliefs. I thought I knew who I was, what I believed and what my purpose was in life.
Then I became sick and much of what I based my self image on disappeared. My life was changed completely. I now had difficulty keeping up my physical appearance, my brain had difficulty focusing and processing information so I could no longer speak a certain way and some of the beliefs I'd been taught my whole life began to not make much sense to me. I felt I had no purpose in the world. Basically my whole world was tipped upside down and I seemed to completely loose myself and everything that made me me.
Eventually after being sick for a few years I began to slowly realize that none of the stuff on the outside, the stuff that I'd used to form myself for my entire life, really mattered. I realized that I needed to look deeply within myself to see who I really am and bring that out into the world.
Before I could begin to even catch a glimpse of who I really am I had to remove a lot of crap from my mind. Years of feeling worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable had to be pulled away layer by layer. I had to take a really hard, honest look at myself and acknowledge some things that were not so great, the things that caused me to feel worthless, useless and ugly and I had to look at those things without judging them. Once I was able to see those things without judgment, I had to learn that it was OK to set them aside and look deeper.
Gradually I began to see that underneath all of those layers of muck, was a tiny spark of beauty that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time. I had to learn to stop focusing on the ugliness I felt and to focus instead on that tiny spark of beauty. I began try to nurture that spark so that it might grow and spread throughout all of me instead of being hidden deep inside.
I still have a ways to go. The old patterns of self hate are difficult to break, letting go of old thoughts, old memories and old systems of belief is not easy. I am finding that it takes a lot of time, energy, persistence and patience with myself and those around me. I've learned that I need to ask for help and surround myself with those who can see me clearly and offer me love and support. I have had to come to the understanding that I am beautiful and worthy of love and that in order to be able to truly love others, I have to learn to fully love and accept myself.
I am hopeful that someday the real me will shine through all of the time without any effort and the beauty and love that is within me will spill out in to the world into those around me and I will help them to see the love and beauty within themselves.
