Having struggled with chronic pain and illness since I was 14, which eventually led to being almost bed ridden when I was 33 has caused me to think a lot about healing. At first when you are sick there are many doctor's visits and scary evasive testing. Each time they thought they knew what was wrong with me and each time the tests would show nothing conclusive. Eventually you hit a point where you just want to be left alone. No more poking, no more prodding, no more well meaning advice. It's easier to just suffer quietly, doing your best to live whatever life you can. You no longer want to go to the doctor or put yourself through any testing and when you do there is a part of you that secretly hopes they finally find something really wrong so you have an explanation for all of your pain and suffering.
When you have an invisible condition, one that can't really be proven with tests that show the eye what the problem is, being ill is even more complicated. Well meaning people often assume if you would just get out and move you would feel better, or that you are just depressed because you don't get out and do anything. Sometimes people will even tell you that you are lucky it isn't something fatal. Little do they know how often you may wish it were so your pain would end.
Our bodies were not meant to be sick, they were originally built to heal themselves. The problem is we no longer remember how to do that and sometimes, even if we do have an understanding of how it works, we still can't seem to grasp it or accept it or "heal ourselves". If we understand our bodies can heal themselves we often feel guilty for not being able to heal ourselves, which only adds to our pain.
I've studied many natural healing techniques and I believe they can help, the problem for me comes in the guilt I often feel in not being capable of figuring out how to get them to work for myself. It seems part of the solution is to believe that it can work, then to accept that it can work and then believe you are worthy of being free from the pain and being able to really imagine being free from the pain. Of course there are also times when we seriously do need medical treatment to start the healing process. Doctors are great healers, I have no doubt that some of them work miracles, but I also know many times their knowledge leads mainly to treating the symptom by filling you with meds rather than curing the cause.
I've come a long way since I started my journey into healing, I can do things now that a year ago my body could not have done. I still have a ways to go, but I keep learning and focusing on being healthy and whole and letting go of the guilt of being sick to begin with.
For me my healing began when I started slowing down and tuning into my body instead of trying to escape it. I was so busy for most of my life trying not to focus on feeling the pain that I had learned to completely detach from most of the pain in my body. Connecting with it again so that I could recognize it, was painful, but it helped me to understand what I was truly experiencing. I also had to let go of feeling guilty for being sick to begin with. I had to forgive myself and give myself permission to really listen to my body and follow through with what it needed. I had to learn to be accepting of being sick. If I needed rest, I laid down, if I needed to soak in the tub in the middle of the day to relax my muscles, I soaked in the tub, I really listened to my body for the first time in 30 years. This was a long and painful process and I struggled and spent many dark hours praying and looking for a light at the end of the tunnel.
A major turning point came for me when I found a support group. I had literally shut myself off from everyone after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Not so much by choice, but because it was just easier to stay home and try to keep myself comfortable and not have to answer any questions or deflect all of the well meaning advice. In this online group of women I found love, acceptance and understanding and for the first time in many, many years I felt like I belonged somewhere and could really talk about how I felt. There were others who really felt my pain. We all blossomed in each others loving care.
The next step in my journey was deciding I could sit in the house being in constant pain, suffering all alone, or I could take a chance and go out and try to do something. Whether I stayed at home or went somewhere I was going to be in pain. I decided I could head out and if the pain was too much, I could always come back home. Sometimes getting out really did help me feel better, sometimes I became really ill after being out, but had enjoyed myself so much it was worth it and other times I would only be out for a little while and then would have to come back home. I always had to weigh how I felt and whether or not it was worth the energy of going out. Judging how much energy I had and how much I was willing to use on what tasks or events was a daily part of life.
My big turning point came as a culmination of four things...because of tachycardia all of my meds were taken away, we cut wheat from my diet, I made a deep connection with a friend who I could really express myself to and I began to meditate daily. Getting the meds and wheat out of my system helped cleanse my body. Feeling safe enough to open up to someone who really listened to me without judgment and allowing myself the time to sit quietly in meditation so that I could connect with my inner self, cleansed my soul.
Our body can not heal if our soul feels sick, likewise it's difficult to heal our soul if our body is screaming so loudly in pain that we can't hear it. The two are connected, the two must be treated together.
I am not healed yet, but I have made great improvements in the last year. Just this week I went to my chiropractor and for the first time since I was 14 he did not have to adjust my neck and I could say that my neck was not hurting. My healing is still a work in progress, but I'm learning and I'm grateful for all of the experiences along the way and the sometimes painful lessons they've taught me. I'm sure there will be more to share about this part of my journey and what has helped me to heal, but this has been long enough for now.
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