I've learned that throughout our lifetimes many people will come and go. Sometimes you encounter people briefly and other times they become a daily part of our lives. Each person, each encounter can have a lasting impact on our lives. That smile or encouraging word from a complete stranger can be as powerful as that loving loyal friend who has lended us their ear for years.
Sometimes we are so caught up in what we are dealing with ourselves that we forget to reach out to others and connect with them in a genuine caring manner. We can trudge through our day wrapped up in our own pain, worries and suffering and forget to look around us and reach out to others who may need a friendly smile or just some eye contact and acknowledgement that they are seen as a person.
I know that I have been guilty of avoiding connecting with others, of floating through my day avoiding contact like I'm a ghost floating through my own life. Maybe putting the blinders on when I go out is a way to protect myself, maybe those blinders keep me from getting too involved in the world around me or they keep me from opening myself up to rejection, I am sure there are many reasons behind this behavior.
It's easy when we've experienced what we perceived as judgment, rejection or abandonment in relationships to understand why we would not want to reach out to others in anyway, but perhaps if we look at those situations deeply, we will see important lessons we've learned from what we've experienced. Perhaps we can see that even though someone left our life on not such great terms or reacted to us in a manner that was not very kind, having them in our life effected us in important ways.
Without failed relationships and difficult experiences we wouldn't have the opportunity to look deeply at ourselves and learn and grow. Maybe in trying to protect ourselves by avoiding reaching out to others we are actually harming ourselves and keeping ourselves stuck. Perhaps our fear of getting hurt is what is actually hurting us.
Maybe letting go of fear and reaching out to others where ever we are is important to healing and growth. I do know form personal experience that when I reach out to others, whether its through a deep conversation or simple smile and nod, I feel better. I also know that having someone reach out to me in some way whether it is through just a simple smile, a quick email or a deep conversation, I feel better. Maybe the key is setting aside our fear, taking our blinders off, looking at each person, each point of contact as an opportunity to learn and grow in some way, no matter what reaction we receive and reaching out to others with confidence.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Self Identification
I haven't been on this blog for awhile now, the interesting thing is when I came back to look at it I could not remember my identity or password. Eventually after searching my memories and a few failed attempts, I found my identity and made my way back in. I was struck by how this sort of parallels my life.
I was living my life, traveling along forming who I was based on the world around me. I worked to build myself and my life based on what I had learned while growing up through people, beliefs and situations that taught me who I was. I had learned that I needed to look a certain way, speak a certain way and believe certain beliefs. I thought I knew who I was, what I believed and what my purpose was in life.
Then I became sick and much of what I based my self image on disappeared. My life was changed completely. I now had difficulty keeping up my physical appearance, my brain had difficulty focusing and processing information so I could no longer speak a certain way and some of the beliefs I'd been taught my whole life began to not make much sense to me. I felt I had no purpose in the world. Basically my whole world was tipped upside down and I seemed to completely loose myself and everything that made me me.
Eventually after being sick for a few years I began to slowly realize that none of the stuff on the outside, the stuff that I'd used to form myself for my entire life, really mattered. I realized that I needed to look deeply within myself to see who I really am and bring that out into the world.
Before I could begin to even catch a glimpse of who I really am I had to remove a lot of crap from my mind. Years of feeling worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable had to be pulled away layer by layer. I had to take a really hard, honest look at myself and acknowledge some things that were not so great, the things that caused me to feel worthless, useless and ugly and I had to look at those things without judging them. Once I was able to see those things without judgment, I had to learn that it was OK to set them aside and look deeper.
Gradually I began to see that underneath all of those layers of muck, was a tiny spark of beauty that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time. I had to learn to stop focusing on the ugliness I felt and to focus instead on that tiny spark of beauty. I began try to nurture that spark so that it might grow and spread throughout all of me instead of being hidden deep inside.
I still have a ways to go. The old patterns of self hate are difficult to break, letting go of old thoughts, old memories and old systems of belief is not easy. I am finding that it takes a lot of time, energy, persistence and patience with myself and those around me. I've learned that I need to ask for help and surround myself with those who can see me clearly and offer me love and support. I have had to come to the understanding that I am beautiful and worthy of love and that in order to be able to truly love others, I have to learn to fully love and accept myself.
I am hopeful that someday the real me will shine through all of the time without any effort and the beauty and love that is within me will spill out in to the world into those around me and I will help them to see the love and beauty within themselves.
I was living my life, traveling along forming who I was based on the world around me. I worked to build myself and my life based on what I had learned while growing up through people, beliefs and situations that taught me who I was. I had learned that I needed to look a certain way, speak a certain way and believe certain beliefs. I thought I knew who I was, what I believed and what my purpose was in life.
Then I became sick and much of what I based my self image on disappeared. My life was changed completely. I now had difficulty keeping up my physical appearance, my brain had difficulty focusing and processing information so I could no longer speak a certain way and some of the beliefs I'd been taught my whole life began to not make much sense to me. I felt I had no purpose in the world. Basically my whole world was tipped upside down and I seemed to completely loose myself and everything that made me me.
Eventually after being sick for a few years I began to slowly realize that none of the stuff on the outside, the stuff that I'd used to form myself for my entire life, really mattered. I realized that I needed to look deeply within myself to see who I really am and bring that out into the world.
Before I could begin to even catch a glimpse of who I really am I had to remove a lot of crap from my mind. Years of feeling worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable had to be pulled away layer by layer. I had to take a really hard, honest look at myself and acknowledge some things that were not so great, the things that caused me to feel worthless, useless and ugly and I had to look at those things without judging them. Once I was able to see those things without judgment, I had to learn that it was OK to set them aside and look deeper.
Gradually I began to see that underneath all of those layers of muck, was a tiny spark of beauty that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time. I had to learn to stop focusing on the ugliness I felt and to focus instead on that tiny spark of beauty. I began try to nurture that spark so that it might grow and spread throughout all of me instead of being hidden deep inside.
I still have a ways to go. The old patterns of self hate are difficult to break, letting go of old thoughts, old memories and old systems of belief is not easy. I am finding that it takes a lot of time, energy, persistence and patience with myself and those around me. I've learned that I need to ask for help and surround myself with those who can see me clearly and offer me love and support. I have had to come to the understanding that I am beautiful and worthy of love and that in order to be able to truly love others, I have to learn to fully love and accept myself.
I am hopeful that someday the real me will shine through all of the time without any effort and the beauty and love that is within me will spill out in to the world into those around me and I will help them to see the love and beauty within themselves.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Throwing In the Towel
I haven't had much to say lately. I find myself feeling more and more like stepping back and doing less talking and more listening. Not sure what that means, but it makes it kind of hard to write a blog.
What came to my mind as I came to this site to check in on my "stuff" was that change can be really frustrating. I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, but complete unexpected, full out changes tend to be much more difficult to navigate. I came on here today to simply read what I had written last to see where my mind and heart had been the last time I posted and I find that nothing is the same. I can't seem to navigate anywhere and it is difficult to even find what I've written. Talk about confusing!
This is frustrating, especially since I had no apparent say or input into whether the change would work well or was a good idea. But the change has occurred and I can either flow along with it learning the new system or I can decide to no longer take part on this particular site.
It seems like life is kind of that way. We learn how to go with the flow and take the little twists and turns and bumps and bruises that come along, but when we get hit with an all out complete change of everything familiar, that is a whole new process. It's like starting from ground one and learning how things work all over again. We can try to cling to how things used to be, but those things are no longer in place and if we cling to them, we go no where fast. I guess the way I've learned to look at these complete changes is this: In the beginning I started out at ground one and learned and grew and got to where I was, I did it once and I can do it again. It's either that or completely throw in the towel and that doesn't seem like a very feasible option.
Besides I've tried to throw in the towel a few times and it always seemed to get thrown back at me as if to say...nice try, but you aren't done yet.
What came to my mind as I came to this site to check in on my "stuff" was that change can be really frustrating. I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, but complete unexpected, full out changes tend to be much more difficult to navigate. I came on here today to simply read what I had written last to see where my mind and heart had been the last time I posted and I find that nothing is the same. I can't seem to navigate anywhere and it is difficult to even find what I've written. Talk about confusing!
This is frustrating, especially since I had no apparent say or input into whether the change would work well or was a good idea. But the change has occurred and I can either flow along with it learning the new system or I can decide to no longer take part on this particular site.
It seems like life is kind of that way. We learn how to go with the flow and take the little twists and turns and bumps and bruises that come along, but when we get hit with an all out complete change of everything familiar, that is a whole new process. It's like starting from ground one and learning how things work all over again. We can try to cling to how things used to be, but those things are no longer in place and if we cling to them, we go no where fast. I guess the way I've learned to look at these complete changes is this: In the beginning I started out at ground one and learned and grew and got to where I was, I did it once and I can do it again. It's either that or completely throw in the towel and that doesn't seem like a very feasible option.
Besides I've tried to throw in the towel a few times and it always seemed to get thrown back at me as if to say...nice try, but you aren't done yet.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Dancing Shoes
Sometimes I think the best way to go through life is to just stop all of the analyzing, searching and seeking, put on your dancing shoes and dance.
Of course you have to pay attention to where you are dancing and who you are dancing with and make sure you don't step on too many toes.
But if there's music in your heart and rhythm in your feet things should glide along a little easier, right?
Of course you have to pay attention to where you are dancing and who you are dancing with and make sure you don't step on too many toes.
But if there's music in your heart and rhythm in your feet things should glide along a little easier, right?
Monday, March 19, 2012
Puddle Dancing
We all know that there will be bright sunny days as well as dark cloudy days in our lives. Deep down we understand that we need both, but those cloudy, rainy days can some times get us down. It seems we need to learn to appreciate both the sunshine and the rain.
It feels important to remind ourselves that cloudy days serve a purpose and are not bad, they just are sometimes dark and difficult to get through.
Aside from looking at the positive side of a cloudy day (good day for a nap, the rain waters our plants, the darkness helps us appreciate the light)what can we do? One thing we can do is to make sure to really soak up and enjoy every moment of our sunny days. That way when we are in the middle of cloudiness, can pull up those sunshiny memories and fill our minds with those instead of focusing on the clouds. We can use those memories to remind ourselves that while life seems dark right now, sunshine could be just around the corner.
We may even try learning to look at cloudy days, instead as a time of darkness, as a time of replenishing or maybe even a time of cleansing. Think of the rain falling or the tears we may cry during dark times as cleansing water that is washing away the debris and replenishing dry areas. Without water things tend to get dust covered and shriveled up.
Perhaps we can even begin to find a little joy in the cloudy days and see that through the darkness comes new life. Sometimes in the darkness a whole new world seems to be formed.
Instead of dreading the dark days we could try to learn to flow through them, appreciating them and thinking of brighter days ahead. Maybe we can even learn to dance a little in the puddles that form around us or sing a little tune to brighten things up.
They say into all lives a little rain must fall.
It seems it's up to us whether we want to get stuck in the mud and sink or keep moving and dance through the puddles.
It feels important to remind ourselves that cloudy days serve a purpose and are not bad, they just are sometimes dark and difficult to get through.
Aside from looking at the positive side of a cloudy day (good day for a nap, the rain waters our plants, the darkness helps us appreciate the light)what can we do? One thing we can do is to make sure to really soak up and enjoy every moment of our sunny days. That way when we are in the middle of cloudiness, can pull up those sunshiny memories and fill our minds with those instead of focusing on the clouds. We can use those memories to remind ourselves that while life seems dark right now, sunshine could be just around the corner.
We may even try learning to look at cloudy days, instead as a time of darkness, as a time of replenishing or maybe even a time of cleansing. Think of the rain falling or the tears we may cry during dark times as cleansing water that is washing away the debris and replenishing dry areas. Without water things tend to get dust covered and shriveled up.
Perhaps we can even begin to find a little joy in the cloudy days and see that through the darkness comes new life. Sometimes in the darkness a whole new world seems to be formed.
Instead of dreading the dark days we could try to learn to flow through them, appreciating them and thinking of brighter days ahead. Maybe we can even learn to dance a little in the puddles that form around us or sing a little tune to brighten things up.
They say into all lives a little rain must fall.
It seems it's up to us whether we want to get stuck in the mud and sink or keep moving and dance through the puddles.
Friday, March 16, 2012
View Points
We can encounter difficulties in our life when we can only see things from one point of view or feel that one point of view is the only one that is important. Everyone has a point of view. We all look at the world and every situation from different angles, through different filters of our own experiences. 10 people can witness one situation and all 10 people can have a differing perception of what has occurred because they are all coming from a different point of view. All of the view points are valid, all of them are important and if we want to form a more clear picture, form a more clear understanding, we need to be opened to the idea that it is not only our view point that is important, valid or "right".
Letting go of the idea that there is one "right" way of looking at things can be difficult, but it can also help us to expand and grow and when we expand and grow or perspectives may change. We may also find our self letting go of perceptions that we once held as truths. As we let go of those "truths" things in our world may begin to shift.
For example. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2004. All of the research I have done from the modern medical view point about this condition paints a rather grim picture. There are very few real treatments, I will suffer a lot of pain, may become debilitated and my life will never be the same. New treatments are being researched as more scientists become interested and look into this condition, but my body is severely sensitive to medications, so most of the new treatments are not options I can use. Basically if I go from the view point and perception that I have this condition and it can not be treated, I will suffer much pain.
But, if I understand that there may be treatments and natural ways to use my body's own healing abilities, perhaps the perception, the "truth" that I will suffer and never lead a normal life, do not have to be accepted as fact. Perhaps by looking at this from a different view other than just what modern medicine is currently offering, I can find some relief from my symptoms.
Many people may not agree with this thinking, but I have seen from my own experience that looking at things from differing view points can lead to whole new understandings of situations and it can even bring about healing if we are willing to let go of our own perceptions. I do not claim to be "healed" yet, but I am opened to the idea that if I keep my mind opened, stop clinging to only one view point and follow my heart, perhaps someday I will be.
Letting go of the idea that there is one "right" way of looking at things can be difficult, but it can also help us to expand and grow and when we expand and grow or perspectives may change. We may also find our self letting go of perceptions that we once held as truths. As we let go of those "truths" things in our world may begin to shift.
For example. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2004. All of the research I have done from the modern medical view point about this condition paints a rather grim picture. There are very few real treatments, I will suffer a lot of pain, may become debilitated and my life will never be the same. New treatments are being researched as more scientists become interested and look into this condition, but my body is severely sensitive to medications, so most of the new treatments are not options I can use. Basically if I go from the view point and perception that I have this condition and it can not be treated, I will suffer much pain.
But, if I understand that there may be treatments and natural ways to use my body's own healing abilities, perhaps the perception, the "truth" that I will suffer and never lead a normal life, do not have to be accepted as fact. Perhaps by looking at this from a different view other than just what modern medicine is currently offering, I can find some relief from my symptoms.
Many people may not agree with this thinking, but I have seen from my own experience that looking at things from differing view points can lead to whole new understandings of situations and it can even bring about healing if we are willing to let go of our own perceptions. I do not claim to be "healed" yet, but I am opened to the idea that if I keep my mind opened, stop clinging to only one view point and follow my heart, perhaps someday I will be.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Looking for Company
They say misery loves company. I've seen this in many situations, especially since I have had many bouts of being miserable. What I've noticed is that when we are content with being miserable we tend to seek out those who will join us in our misery and get down and wallow in it with us. If we are content being miserable, we love to share our stories of misery and sometimes get angry if people try to cheer us up, cheer us on or offer a point of view that isn't all steeped in misery.
I was stuck in misery for a long time after my first marriage ended, I was an expert wallower and subconsciously attracted many miserable people and I seemed to attempt to drag others who were not miserable down into the pits of misery with me. I was looking for some company for my misery.
Fortunately for my friends and loved ones, and myself, my contentment with misery ended and I began to seek new ways of being in the world. I stopped focusing on my misery and stopped looking for someone else to pull me out of it and began to focus on pulling myself up in whatever way I could. I stopped looking outside of myself for what was wrong and began to look within. I stopped trying to change everyone else and began to focus on myself and what I could do to improve myself and the way I coped with the world.
Gradually with a lot of help from very loving, patient friends, family members and several professionals, I began to see who I could be when I wasn't stuck in my suffering and misery. As I began to see a new vision of myself, I gradually began to become a different version of myself, one who was more loving, accepting and compassionate to others and to myself. As that happened I became less miserable.
As I became less miserable, something interesting happened, those who were also content being miserable became angry towards me. Sometimes they simply dropped away and sometimes they openly attacked me before leaving. For the longest time I found this very upsetting and wondered what I had done wrong and how my "friends" could turn from me in such a manner. What I slowly realized was they did not want to be around me if I were not miserable. Many of my friends who had shared my misery and raged about how the world should treat everyone fairly and accept everyone for who they were and love everyone unconditionally were now not able to accept me unconditionally.
If I expressed a view point that wasn't in line with what they thought or felt, they thought I was judging them in some way or thought that I thought I was better than them. Some thought I was just sticking my head in the sand and playing "Mary Sunshine" with them. They seemed to forget the lowly image I have of myself, the struggles and deep misery I'd gone through myself. They seemed to have no interest in stopping and asking how my view point had changed and how I'd pulled myself out of my misery. Instead of seeking to join me, some seemed to want to drag me back down. I have had to learn to be very careful to not let that happen.
I am a very persistent, sympathetic friend, I can get down in the dark mud and wallow in misery with the best of them, but I don't want to stay stuck in that mucky mud wallowing there forever, so I have to know my boundaries.
It feels very important for us all to have great compassion for those who are stuck in misery, but that doesn't mean we have to join them and stay stuck with them. We all have choices and we shouldn't judge the choices that we make, if someone stays stuck that is their choice, if we want to move on, that is our choice, both choices serve some purpose and we shouldn't place judgment on them. This has been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.
I was stuck in misery for a long time after my first marriage ended, I was an expert wallower and subconsciously attracted many miserable people and I seemed to attempt to drag others who were not miserable down into the pits of misery with me. I was looking for some company for my misery.
Fortunately for my friends and loved ones, and myself, my contentment with misery ended and I began to seek new ways of being in the world. I stopped focusing on my misery and stopped looking for someone else to pull me out of it and began to focus on pulling myself up in whatever way I could. I stopped looking outside of myself for what was wrong and began to look within. I stopped trying to change everyone else and began to focus on myself and what I could do to improve myself and the way I coped with the world.
Gradually with a lot of help from very loving, patient friends, family members and several professionals, I began to see who I could be when I wasn't stuck in my suffering and misery. As I began to see a new vision of myself, I gradually began to become a different version of myself, one who was more loving, accepting and compassionate to others and to myself. As that happened I became less miserable.
As I became less miserable, something interesting happened, those who were also content being miserable became angry towards me. Sometimes they simply dropped away and sometimes they openly attacked me before leaving. For the longest time I found this very upsetting and wondered what I had done wrong and how my "friends" could turn from me in such a manner. What I slowly realized was they did not want to be around me if I were not miserable. Many of my friends who had shared my misery and raged about how the world should treat everyone fairly and accept everyone for who they were and love everyone unconditionally were now not able to accept me unconditionally.
If I expressed a view point that wasn't in line with what they thought or felt, they thought I was judging them in some way or thought that I thought I was better than them. Some thought I was just sticking my head in the sand and playing "Mary Sunshine" with them. They seemed to forget the lowly image I have of myself, the struggles and deep misery I'd gone through myself. They seemed to have no interest in stopping and asking how my view point had changed and how I'd pulled myself out of my misery. Instead of seeking to join me, some seemed to want to drag me back down. I have had to learn to be very careful to not let that happen.
I am a very persistent, sympathetic friend, I can get down in the dark mud and wallow in misery with the best of them, but I don't want to stay stuck in that mucky mud wallowing there forever, so I have to know my boundaries.
It feels very important for us all to have great compassion for those who are stuck in misery, but that doesn't mean we have to join them and stay stuck with them. We all have choices and we shouldn't judge the choices that we make, if someone stays stuck that is their choice, if we want to move on, that is our choice, both choices serve some purpose and we shouldn't place judgment on them. This has been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.
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