What We Need

Seven years ago I was in terrible shape physically, emotionally and mentally. I had burned myself out going to school, taking care of three children and teaching preschool. That was difficult work, but the actual overload seemed to come from the emotional, mental experience of dealing with the issues of setting up a daycare center. Watching as that all unfolded was both amazing and frightening. To see how a group of people can meet with a common goal of creating something together and agree to work together and support each other no matter what was absolutely amazing. To see how a few people who had their own agenda that weren't willing listen to others and take into consideration what was best for everyone, as a whole, who literally began to attack those they were supposed to be working with and supporting was frightening and very disheartening to say the least.

By the end of that experience, coupled with helping to care for my dying father, I was left almost an invalid. My doctors feared the worst. Cancer, Lupus, RA, all kinds of tests were run on me. I was barely able to get out of my bed or function in any manner, my mind could not recall simple things, I was in severe pain and basically felt useless and wished my life would end.

My diagnosis was Fifth's Disease, which I had picked up from the children in day care and Fibromyalgia, a mysterious condition which wasn't that well known at that time and had very little treatment options. With that diagnosis came a lot of medication and learning a whole new way of looking at the world and myself. I had to learn that I was no longer able to do everything, in fact, I could do very little for a long time.

I had to learn that my self worth didn't come from what I could do or where I worked or how I looked, but from how deeply I loved others and how deeply that love was returned. Going from doing it all to having to allow others to take care of me, being in the position of receiving so much more than I was giving, was heart breaking for me at first. But, I learned many things from this, one is that others are thankful when you allow them to give to you and another is that people didn't love me just for what I could give to them or how I looked. Gradually I learned to stop judging myself for not being able to do things or for how I looked to the world and learned how to accept help, accept my limitations and not care how I looked to the world.

The interesting thing is that once I really accepted my situation and kind of gave it all up, then I began the long process of healing. Once I accepted that I did have this mysterious condition and I couldn't just wish it away, I was able then to relax and stop beating myself up and fighting it. I then was able to reach out to others in a similar situation and through them I began to rediscover who I am and to heal.

We are taught from early on to never give up and to fight for what we want, but sometimes, it seems that in giving up and no longer fighting, we find what we truly need, not what we want and what we NEED is usually much more beneficial to everyone than what we want.