Under the Surface

It seems what I needed was a reality check, a time of inner reflection and learning about what was really important to me in the world. I needed to take a good look under the surface of my life. In the end that big job, the clean house, and looking nice didn't really count for anything. When you don't have enough energy to clean your house, can't raise your arms long enough to curl your hair and can no longer function well enough to really hold down a job, you begin to realize how much you thought those things made you who you are. In fact, losing those things can sort of really change who you are if you allow yourself to continue to believe they made you who you were because you can become angry and resentful.

The interesting thing is that when you loose all of the outer things that everyone thinks makes you who you are, eventually if you are willing to look, you will see the inner things that make you who you are. If you are still hanging on to the outer things and are angry that you no longer have them to define you, your inner self may appear to be rather frightening and ugly, but if you learn to let all of those outer things go and look deeply you can see that none of that really matters, deep within you is the real you, the you that only wants to love and be loved. The you that literally glows with love, but was so covered up and confused by all of the worldly stuff that you forgot it was there.

Don't get me wrong, letting go of that outer stuff, the illusion of who we really are is not easy. We are all programmed to think what you see is what you get and we really do forget that we shouldn't be judging a book by it's cover. We get so caught up in outer appearances and how they define us that we forget to look deeply within. Our vision has become clouded and confused and we really believe that what we have and how we look defines who we are.

Surely if we can't work we must be lazy or worthless. Of course if our hair is a mess and we don't have make up on we must not care enough for ourselves to put up the appearance to everyone that we are perfect. I am sure if my house isn't clean enough or I don't cook that must mean I don't love my children. Isn't this the way we all think? Isn't this the way we view the world around us? Isn't this what we base our judgements on. Of course it is, especially if the person we are judging appears outwardly to look perfectly healthy and doesn't want to complain or even speak about their condition with others.

I've learned the hard way that to find who we really are and who those around us really are we need to look within, not at what we see on the surface, not even what we see just below the surface, but deep within, to the very center of people where their true self lives. It's easy to get distracted by outer appearances and behavior and focus on only those, but if we remember that people may be suffering in silence and dealing with issues we can not even imagine, then it's not so difficult to look past the surface into what really counts.

I seem to be much more forgiving and accepting of the outer surface behavior of others than I am of my own. I seem to be able to extend love and forgiveness easily to others and not to myself. That was a big factor in my illness and another huge lesson I had to learn, how to love and forgive myself.

What We Need

Seven years ago I was in terrible shape physically, emotionally and mentally. I had burned myself out going to school, taking care of three children and teaching preschool. That was difficult work, but the actual overload seemed to come from the emotional, mental experience of dealing with the issues of setting up a daycare center. Watching as that all unfolded was both amazing and frightening. To see how a group of people can meet with a common goal of creating something together and agree to work together and support each other no matter what was absolutely amazing. To see how a few people who had their own agenda that weren't willing listen to others and take into consideration what was best for everyone, as a whole, who literally began to attack those they were supposed to be working with and supporting was frightening and very disheartening to say the least.

By the end of that experience, coupled with helping to care for my dying father, I was left almost an invalid. My doctors feared the worst. Cancer, Lupus, RA, all kinds of tests were run on me. I was barely able to get out of my bed or function in any manner, my mind could not recall simple things, I was in severe pain and basically felt useless and wished my life would end.

My diagnosis was Fifth's Disease, which I had picked up from the children in day care and Fibromyalgia, a mysterious condition which wasn't that well known at that time and had very little treatment options. With that diagnosis came a lot of medication and learning a whole new way of looking at the world and myself. I had to learn that I was no longer able to do everything, in fact, I could do very little for a long time.

I had to learn that my self worth didn't come from what I could do or where I worked or how I looked, but from how deeply I loved others and how deeply that love was returned. Going from doing it all to having to allow others to take care of me, being in the position of receiving so much more than I was giving, was heart breaking for me at first. But, I learned many things from this, one is that others are thankful when you allow them to give to you and another is that people didn't love me just for what I could give to them or how I looked. Gradually I learned to stop judging myself for not being able to do things or for how I looked to the world and learned how to accept help, accept my limitations and not care how I looked to the world.

The interesting thing is that once I really accepted my situation and kind of gave it all up, then I began the long process of healing. Once I accepted that I did have this mysterious condition and I couldn't just wish it away, I was able then to relax and stop beating myself up and fighting it. I then was able to reach out to others in a similar situation and through them I began to rediscover who I am and to heal.

We are taught from early on to never give up and to fight for what we want, but sometimes, it seems that in giving up and no longer fighting, we find what we truly need, not what we want and what we NEED is usually much more beneficial to everyone than what we want.