This morning as I read a mysterious comment someone had left on their social page I wondered...who is that comment aimed at? Could it be me? Did I say or do something to cause that comment? If I did, I sure hope they would just tell me, because I did not mean to do anything to upset someone. I sure hope this person doesn't think I would intentionally say something to hurt them or offend them.
Suddenly I realized what I was doing, I was tap dancing around certain people, trying to be whatever they needed to me to be for fear I might offend or upset them in some way. God forbid someone around me be upset in some way!
The old people pleaser in me was surfacing and of course immediately feeling that she should do something to make everything alright for someone else. People pleaser is usually accompanied by her close companion guilt, who whispers in my ear that if someone is unhappy, it must be my fault, it must be something I have done, it couldn't possibly be that someone is being overly sensitive or misjudging my intentions. After going through those feelings of guilt and fear, suddenly I realized that maybe this person wasn't even referring to me, but I had just made some very interesting observations about myself. I saw that I had slipped into being a tap dancer without even noticing it.
I was pretty shocked to realize this, because I am usually a pretty upfront person. I really do not like to argue and I do not like to be the cause of confrontations or conflict, but I don't have a problem with telling someone that I see something feels off or disagreeing with what someone has to say. I am respectful and I am willing to consider whatever view point others have to offer me without brushing them off as invalid. I won't tell someone else they are wrong or they don't have a write to their view point and I won't feel like they are against me just because they don't agree with me. I am normally a very accepting, opened and honest person.
When had I started tap dancing around trying to be what some people needed me to be? I thought I was done with those days? When did I start feeling like I had to constantly explain myself to certain people and apologize for being me? Why do I find myself editing and reediting myself for some people when I can be so freely myself with others? Why have I been basically making myself sick trying to be what others need me to be?
I understand that it is very important to be aware of how our actions and words can impact those around us. I also understand that we need to be very aware of what the intentions are behind our own words and actions. I ask myself when I am speaking or writing, do I really want to communicate with someone and help them to understand me better, or am I out to prove that my point is the most valid and take those down who can't see things the way I do? I am well aware that words can be used as weapons as powerful as a sword and I am very careful about how I use them. Why would I suddenly find myself tap dancing as if I am responsible for how others feel?
I don't want to be a tap dancer and I would like to hang up those shoes for good. The key in doing that seems to be in knowing myself, knowing what my own intentions are and understanding that I can't control or change anyone but myself. Basically I am responsible for me.
I can keep tapping dancing around, trying to figure out what everyone else needs from me. I can continue wearing myself out trying to be what others need or I can be myself...know what lies in my own heart, what my own intentions are, and who I want to be. I can pay attention to how I am speaking and acting and make adjustments when I see that I've done something that was not right, but I have to be true to myself and not continually readjust myself to please others. I've noticed that those who choose to be negative and unhappy continue to be negative or unhappy no matter who I am or how I act, so why do I feel responsible for their moods and behaviors?
It seems to be a fact of life that others may become offended by what I do and say or who I am. I will take responsibility and apologize if someone misinterprets my intentions and sees my actions or words as offensive to them, but I have to know deep in my own heart who I am and not let the thoughts, feelings and wims of others dictate who I am for me.
It's important to understand and know deep in our own heart that we are all works in progress, striving to be our best, learning and growing like the rest of the world. Of course we pay attention to how our words and actions impact the world around us, of course we take into consideration what those around us tell us about how they perceive us, they might be seeing something we am missing, but we can't lose ourselves in focusing on the thoughts and feelings of others. It is important to keep our focus on our own thoughts, feelings, actions and words. We are the only ones we can change, we can't change anyone else, so if we are focused on bringing our best self to the world, isn't that what really matters?
