Tap Dancing

This morning as I read a mysterious comment someone had left on their social page I wondered...who is that comment aimed at?  Could it be me?  Did I say or do something to cause that comment?  If I did, I sure hope they would just tell me, because I did not mean to do anything to upset someone.  I sure hope this person doesn't think I would intentionally say something to hurt them or offend them.

Suddenly I realized what I was doing,  I was tap dancing around certain people, trying to be whatever they needed to me to be for fear I might offend or upset them in some way.   God forbid someone around me be upset in some way!

The old people pleaser in me was surfacing and of course immediately feeling that she should do something to make everything alright for someone else.  People pleaser is usually accompanied by her close companion guilt, who whispers in my ear that if someone is unhappy, it must be my fault, it must be something I have done, it couldn't possibly be that someone is being overly sensitive or misjudging my intentions.  After going through those feelings of guilt and fear, suddenly I realized that maybe this person wasn't even referring to me, but I had just made some very interesting observations about myself.  I saw that I had slipped  into being a tap dancer without even noticing it.

I was pretty shocked to realize this, because I am usually a pretty upfront person.  I really do not like to argue and I do not like to be the cause of confrontations or conflict, but I don't have a problem with telling someone that I see something feels off or disagreeing with what someone has to say.  I am respectful and I am willing to consider whatever view point others have to offer me without brushing them off  as invalid.  I won't tell someone else they are wrong or they don't have a write to their view point and I won't feel like they are against me just because they don't agree with me.  I am normally a very accepting, opened and honest person. 

When had I started tap dancing around trying to be what some people needed me to be?  I thought I was done with those days?  When did I start feeling like I had to constantly explain myself to certain people and apologize for being me?  Why do I find myself editing and reediting myself for some people when I can be so freely myself with others?  Why have I been basically making myself sick trying to be what others need me to be?

I understand that it is very important to be aware of how our actions and words can impact those around us.  I also understand that we need to be very aware of what the intentions are behind our own words and actions.  I ask myself when I am speaking or writing, do I really want to communicate with someone and help them to understand me better, or am I out to prove that my point is the most valid and take those down who can't see things the way I do?  I am well aware that words can be used as weapons as powerful as a sword and I am very careful about how I use them.  Why would I suddenly find myself tap dancing as if I am responsible for how others feel?

I don't want to be a tap dancer and I would like to hang up those shoes for good.  The key in doing that seems to be in knowing myself, knowing what my own intentions are and understanding that I can't control or change anyone but myself.  Basically I am responsible for me.

I can keep tapping dancing around, trying to figure out what everyone else needs from me. I can continue wearing myself out trying to be what others need or I can be myself...know what lies in my own heart, what my own intentions are, and who I want to be.  I can pay attention to how I am speaking and acting and make adjustments when I see that I've done something that was not right, but I have to be true to myself and not continually readjust myself to please others.  I've noticed that those who choose to be negative and unhappy continue to be negative or unhappy no matter who I am or how I act, so why do I feel responsible for their moods and behaviors?

It seems to be a fact of life that others may become offended by what I do and say or who I am.  I will take responsibility and apologize if someone misinterprets my intentions and sees my actions or words as offensive to them, but I have to know deep in my own heart who I am and not let the thoughts, feelings and wims of others dictate who I am for me.

It's important to understand and know deep in our own heart that we are all works in progress, striving  to be our best, learning and growing like the rest of the world.  Of course we pay attention to how our words and actions impact the world around us, of course we take into consideration what those around us tell us about how they perceive us, they might be seeing something we am missing, but we can't lose ourselves in focusing on the thoughts and feelings of others.  It is important to keep our focus on our own thoughts, feelings, actions and words.  We are the only ones we can change, we can't change anyone else, so if we are focused on bringing our best self to the world, isn't that what really matters?

Tailgating

I suppose when most people hear the word tailgating, they picture a pregame party held on the tailgate of a vehicle, but I am picturing driving down the highway with someone driving too close, riding my bumper, "tailgating".  If we think of our bodies as our vehicle's and our life like a highway the concept of tailgating becomes even more interesting.

There have been times in my life when I've been the "tailgater";  riding someone's bumper, pushing close behind them, trying to get them to speed up and move along.  There have also been many times that  I've been tailgated by someone.  You know what I mean...someone gets on my bumper and can't just back off and let me follow my path or coast along at the rate I am going.

I've observed that sometimes when you ride someone's bumper and push them to speed up and move forward, they do just that and you both flow along at a higher speed.  Other times when you push someone, they just continue on at the speed they want to go and your only choice is to either slow down to match their speed or speed up yourself and pass them by. 

I've also noticed that sometimes being tailgated can encourage you to get up to speed, but other times it can cause you to become frustrated and road rage may ensue.  It's our choice how we respond to someone riding our bumper.  If we aren't really careful, sometimes something unexpected happens and if we are pushing someone too close from behind a collision can occur.

 It seems tailgating is risky business.  We need be very careful about how we react to the vehicles around us.  It's important to pay attention and observe why someone is riding our bumper or why someone else is driving so slowly.  A wise person will be aware of what pushing someone from behind can lead to and  be aware that their reaction to being pushed also has consequences.  Mostly it seems important to pay attention to how we, ourselves are driving our own vehicle and be careful not to push anyone of the road or drive so slowly that we hold everyone else up.  Keeping our focus on our path, where we are trying to get to and how to we can get there in the most safe and effective manner for everyone involved seems to be a key to survival on the highway of life.

Happy driving everyone!