Tap Dancing

This morning as I read a mysterious comment someone had left on their social page I wondered...who is that comment aimed at?  Could it be me?  Did I say or do something to cause that comment?  If I did, I sure hope they would just tell me, because I did not mean to do anything to upset someone.  I sure hope this person doesn't think I would intentionally say something to hurt them or offend them.

Suddenly I realized what I was doing,  I was tap dancing around certain people, trying to be whatever they needed to me to be for fear I might offend or upset them in some way.   God forbid someone around me be upset in some way!

The old people pleaser in me was surfacing and of course immediately feeling that she should do something to make everything alright for someone else.  People pleaser is usually accompanied by her close companion guilt, who whispers in my ear that if someone is unhappy, it must be my fault, it must be something I have done, it couldn't possibly be that someone is being overly sensitive or misjudging my intentions.  After going through those feelings of guilt and fear, suddenly I realized that maybe this person wasn't even referring to me, but I had just made some very interesting observations about myself.  I saw that I had slipped  into being a tap dancer without even noticing it.

I was pretty shocked to realize this, because I am usually a pretty upfront person.  I really do not like to argue and I do not like to be the cause of confrontations or conflict, but I don't have a problem with telling someone that I see something feels off or disagreeing with what someone has to say.  I am respectful and I am willing to consider whatever view point others have to offer me without brushing them off  as invalid.  I won't tell someone else they are wrong or they don't have a write to their view point and I won't feel like they are against me just because they don't agree with me.  I am normally a very accepting, opened and honest person. 

When had I started tap dancing around trying to be what some people needed me to be?  I thought I was done with those days?  When did I start feeling like I had to constantly explain myself to certain people and apologize for being me?  Why do I find myself editing and reediting myself for some people when I can be so freely myself with others?  Why have I been basically making myself sick trying to be what others need me to be?

I understand that it is very important to be aware of how our actions and words can impact those around us.  I also understand that we need to be very aware of what the intentions are behind our own words and actions.  I ask myself when I am speaking or writing, do I really want to communicate with someone and help them to understand me better, or am I out to prove that my point is the most valid and take those down who can't see things the way I do?  I am well aware that words can be used as weapons as powerful as a sword and I am very careful about how I use them.  Why would I suddenly find myself tap dancing as if I am responsible for how others feel?

I don't want to be a tap dancer and I would like to hang up those shoes for good.  The key in doing that seems to be in knowing myself, knowing what my own intentions are and understanding that I can't control or change anyone but myself.  Basically I am responsible for me.

I can keep tapping dancing around, trying to figure out what everyone else needs from me. I can continue wearing myself out trying to be what others need or I can be myself...know what lies in my own heart, what my own intentions are, and who I want to be.  I can pay attention to how I am speaking and acting and make adjustments when I see that I've done something that was not right, but I have to be true to myself and not continually readjust myself to please others.  I've noticed that those who choose to be negative and unhappy continue to be negative or unhappy no matter who I am or how I act, so why do I feel responsible for their moods and behaviors?

It seems to be a fact of life that others may become offended by what I do and say or who I am.  I will take responsibility and apologize if someone misinterprets my intentions and sees my actions or words as offensive to them, but I have to know deep in my own heart who I am and not let the thoughts, feelings and wims of others dictate who I am for me.

It's important to understand and know deep in our own heart that we are all works in progress, striving  to be our best, learning and growing like the rest of the world.  Of course we pay attention to how our words and actions impact the world around us, of course we take into consideration what those around us tell us about how they perceive us, they might be seeing something we am missing, but we can't lose ourselves in focusing on the thoughts and feelings of others.  It is important to keep our focus on our own thoughts, feelings, actions and words.  We are the only ones we can change, we can't change anyone else, so if we are focused on bringing our best self to the world, isn't that what really matters?

Tailgating

I suppose when most people hear the word tailgating, they picture a pregame party held on the tailgate of a vehicle, but I am picturing driving down the highway with someone driving too close, riding my bumper, "tailgating".  If we think of our bodies as our vehicle's and our life like a highway the concept of tailgating becomes even more interesting.

There have been times in my life when I've been the "tailgater";  riding someone's bumper, pushing close behind them, trying to get them to speed up and move along.  There have also been many times that  I've been tailgated by someone.  You know what I mean...someone gets on my bumper and can't just back off and let me follow my path or coast along at the rate I am going.

I've observed that sometimes when you ride someone's bumper and push them to speed up and move forward, they do just that and you both flow along at a higher speed.  Other times when you push someone, they just continue on at the speed they want to go and your only choice is to either slow down to match their speed or speed up yourself and pass them by. 

I've also noticed that sometimes being tailgated can encourage you to get up to speed, but other times it can cause you to become frustrated and road rage may ensue.  It's our choice how we respond to someone riding our bumper.  If we aren't really careful, sometimes something unexpected happens and if we are pushing someone too close from behind a collision can occur.

 It seems tailgating is risky business.  We need be very careful about how we react to the vehicles around us.  It's important to pay attention and observe why someone is riding our bumper or why someone else is driving so slowly.  A wise person will be aware of what pushing someone from behind can lead to and  be aware that their reaction to being pushed also has consequences.  Mostly it seems important to pay attention to how we, ourselves are driving our own vehicle and be careful not to push anyone of the road or drive so slowly that we hold everyone else up.  Keeping our focus on our path, where we are trying to get to and how to we can get there in the most safe and effective manner for everyone involved seems to be a key to survival on the highway of life.

Happy driving everyone!

Letting Go of Guilt

I think I am finally learning to let go of guilt and feeling like I somehow have to make everyone around me happy and that it's OK to be happy when others are not.

It's taken a long time for me to see that there really is no way to make others happy.  Yes, you can treat them with respect and really listen to them and do things for them, but deep down if someone is not happy, there is not a thing you can really do that will make them happy.  You can stand beside them and let them know you are there and you love them no matter how they feel, but sadly, no one can really make someone else happy or make them feel lovable if they do not feel that way.


It's been difficult for me to understand that I don't have to feel sad and depressed even when things are not going well around me, even when the world seems like such an ugly place.  I am beginning to learn that I can empathize with those around me without feeling I have to carry their pain so heavily on my own shoulders. Their pain is theirs to deal with, not mine.  I can offer lover support and understanding, but I cannot carry their load fully for them.  Also,there is nothing wrong with staying positive when things are not going well and I don't have to feel like it's the end of the world every time something bad happens to anyone anywhere in the world.  The world is not perfect, terrible things are going to happen, tragedies befall us all, we have to learn how to deal with them and carry on with our lives the best we can. 

It's also taken a long time to see that I don't have to feel guilty for how I see the world or for how I live my life.  I really don't have to answer to others for my choices.  While I am responsible to others for how I treat them, no one has walked in my shoes or completely seen my view point, where I've been, what I've seen or what I've experienced.  Just as I don't know exactly what anyone else has fully experienced, no one knows 100% what I've experienced.  I have to be true to myself and to what my heart tells me is right.  I have to follow my own path with the intention of not intentionally causing harm to another and if someone else wants to judge me for my choices, it is their right and their issue to deal with, not mine.  I have to focus on what my own intentions are and not worry so much about what others are up to.

I've spent a life time of doing what everyone else told me was right and listening to hours of how things should be from someone else's perspective.  I've heard how I've failed or done things in ways others wouldn't.  I've wasted years believing what others have told me about who I am or who I should be instead of seeing what really lies within me and honoring that. 

We all know their are so many in the world who are so willing and eager to tell us who we are or who we should be and how we have to act and why we have to act that way.  I understand they do this out of concern and with a feeling that they are only helping us, but most of the time they don't listen to their own advice or have a clue how to really be in the world themselves. 

If we all would spend more time examining our own intentions, looking more deeply at ourselves and how our world is going around us and spent less time trying to teach everyone else about how they should be and what they should do or what they should believe, perhaps the world be a better place

Blinders Off

I've learned that throughout our lifetimes many people will come and go.  Sometimes you encounter people briefly and other times they become a daily part of our lives.  Each person, each encounter can have a lasting impact on our lives.  That smile or encouraging word from a complete stranger can be as powerful as that loving loyal friend who has lended us their ear for years. 

Sometimes we are so caught up in what we are dealing with ourselves that we forget to reach out to others and connect with them in a genuine caring manner.  We can trudge through our day wrapped up in our own pain, worries and suffering and forget to look around us and reach out to others who may need a friendly smile or just some eye contact and acknowledgement that they are seen as a person.

I know that I have been guilty of avoiding connecting with others, of floating through my day avoiding contact like I'm a ghost floating through my own life.  Maybe putting the blinders on when I go out is a way to protect myself, maybe those blinders keep me from getting too involved in the world around me or they keep me from opening myself up to rejection, I am sure there are many reasons behind this behavior.

It's easy when we've experienced what we perceived as judgment, rejection or abandonment in relationships to understand why we would not want to reach out to others in anyway, but perhaps if we look at those situations deeply, we will see important lessons we've learned from what we've experienced.  Perhaps we can see that even though someone left our life on not such great terms or reacted to us in a manner that was not very kind, having them in our life effected us in important ways. 

Without failed relationships and difficult experiences we wouldn't have the opportunity to look deeply at ourselves and learn and grow.  Maybe in trying to protect ourselves by avoiding reaching out to others we are actually harming ourselves and keeping ourselves stuck.  Perhaps our fear of getting hurt is what is actually hurting us.

Maybe letting go of fear and reaching out to others where ever we are is important to healing and growth.  I do know form personal experience that when I reach out to others, whether its through a deep conversation or simple smile and nod, I feel better.  I also know that having someone reach out to me in some way whether it  is through just a simple smile, a quick email or a deep conversation, I feel better.  Maybe the key is setting aside our fear, taking our blinders off, looking at each person, each point of contact as an opportunity to learn and grow in some way, no matter what reaction we receive and reaching out to others with confidence.

Self Identification

I haven't been on this blog for awhile now, the interesting thing is when I came back to look at it I could not remember my identity or password.  Eventually after searching my memories and a few failed attempts, I found my identity and made my way back in. I was struck by how this sort of parallels my life.

I was living my life, traveling along forming who I was based on the world around me.  I worked to build myself and my life based on what I had learned while growing up through people, beliefs and situations that taught me who I was. I had learned  that I needed to look a certain way, speak a certain way and believe certain beliefs.   I thought I knew who I was, what I believed and what my purpose was in life.

Then I became sick and much of what I based my self image on disappeared.  My life  was changed completely. I now had difficulty keeping up my physical appearance, my brain had difficulty focusing and processing information so I could no longer speak a certain way and some of the beliefs I'd been taught my whole life began to not make much sense to me.  I felt I had no purpose in the world.  Basically my whole world was tipped upside down and I seemed to completely loose myself and everything that made me me.

Eventually after being sick for a few years I began to slowly realize that none of the stuff on the outside, the stuff that I'd used to form myself for my entire life, really mattered.  I realized that I needed to look deeply within myself to see who I  really am and bring that out into the world.

Before I could begin to even catch a glimpse of who I really am I had to remove a lot of crap from my mind.  Years of feeling worthless, useless, ugly, and unlovable had to be pulled away layer by layer.  I had to take a really hard, honest look at myself and acknowledge some things that were not so great, the things that caused me to feel worthless, useless and ugly and I had to look at those things without judging them.  Once I was able to see those things without judgment, I had to learn that it was OK to set them aside and look deeper.

Gradually I began to see that underneath all of those layers of muck, was a tiny spark of beauty that I hadn't seen in a very, very long time.  I had to learn to stop focusing on the ugliness I felt and to focus instead on that tiny spark of beauty.  I began try to nurture that spark so that it might grow and spread throughout all of me instead of being hidden deep inside.

I still have a ways to go.  The old patterns of self hate are difficult to break, letting go of old thoughts, old memories and old systems of belief is not easy.  I am finding that it takes a lot of time, energy, persistence and patience with myself and those around me. I've  learned that I need to ask for help and surround myself with those who can see me clearly and offer me love and support.  I have had to come to the understanding that I am beautiful and worthy of love and that in order to be able to truly love others, I have to learn to fully love and accept myself.

I am hopeful that someday the real me will shine through all of the time without any effort and the beauty and love that is within me will spill out in to the world into those around me and  I will help them to see the love and beauty within themselves.

Throwing In the Towel

I haven't had much to say lately. I find myself feeling more and more like stepping back and doing less talking and more listening. Not sure what that means, but it makes it kind of hard to write a blog.

What came to my mind as I came to this site to check in on my "stuff" was that change can be really frustrating. I am usually pretty good at going with the flow, but complete unexpected, full out changes tend to be much more difficult to navigate. I came on here today to simply read what I had written last to see where my mind and heart had been the last time I posted and I find that nothing is the same. I can't seem to navigate anywhere and it is difficult to even find what I've written. Talk about confusing!

This is frustrating, especially since I had no apparent say or input into whether the change would work well or was a good idea. But the change has occurred and I can either flow along with it learning the new system or I can decide to no longer take part on this particular site.

 It seems like life is kind of that way. We learn how to go with the flow and take the little twists and turns and bumps and bruises that come along, but when we get hit with an all out complete change of everything familiar, that is a whole new process. It's like starting from ground one and learning how things work all over again. We can try to cling to how things used to be, but those things are no longer in place and if we cling to them, we go no where fast. I guess the way I've learned to look at these complete changes is this: In the beginning I started out at ground one and learned and grew and got to where I was, I did it once and I can do it again. It's either that or completely throw in the towel and that doesn't seem like a very feasible option.

 Besides I've tried to throw in the towel a few times and it always seemed to get thrown back at me as if to say...nice try, but you aren't done yet.

Dancing Shoes

Sometimes I think the best way to go through life is to just stop all of the analyzing, searching and seeking, put on your dancing shoes and dance.
Of course you have to pay attention to where you are dancing and who you are dancing with and make sure you don't step on too many toes.
But if there's music in your heart and rhythm in your feet things should glide along a little easier, right?